Separation

I choose my own path, leaving all of the amenities I had. Someone says “Leaving needs courage”. Indeed, going away from familiarity to unfamiliarity. Have limited money, no job yet, no place to go. To find peace yet meeting uncertainty leads to anxiety. What if…. What if in the end, I don’t have enough money to live, what if my neighborhood is crime-prone. What will happen to me, will someone save me if something happen.

But here I am, still in one piece. I am starting to see there are so many good people in this world. All is good. Slowly, I accept their kindness. Although, the anxiety keep creeps in after accepting, “What if they r just trying to be polite while wishing me to refuse the help?” “What will they say if I accept their offer, am I pitiful” “Am I allowed to ask for help? Will they think I am nosy?”. But now, I am more mindful and I can label that kind of feeling. It is just anxiety. “We have to try to catch all of your negative feelings” my psychologist said. Catching and labeling (acknowledging) the negative feeling will help us to control to manage them. Negative feelings are good IF we can control it.

So here I am, living in uncertainty, I stayed in my friend’s apartment and suddenly being expelled. Feeling so stress, yet grateful that she let me stayed for a while, grateful that my ex still care, he drove me to places to find place to stay. Also, in this uncertain moment, it turns out there are so many people that care for me.

Maybe it is too soon to get to conclusion, but for now, I feel free. Scared no more to breath, to talk, to express myself. No more walking on the eggshell, thinking if this is the calm before storm. No need to be on guard 24/7 if I will get abused or not.

Choose Being Kind (Part One)

“If you have the choice between being right and being kind, choose being kind”. I always love this quote. Just now, I have the opportunity to see people’ kindness towards me.

I sold christmas hampers that contain relaxing product (aromatherapy) and amigurumi. Takes a lot of time but profitless, yet I think it is a good practice for me sharing things and keeping mind at bay from negative thoughts. I started with distributing free hampers to my friends and suddenly God gives me xmas present through this woman, she bought 18 package. I was so shocked because I thought nobody will buy my hampers but shedding happy tears at the same time. After that, feeling so stressed because I had to crochet 18 amigurumi, 15 of them must finished in 3 days. On the very first day I was super optimistic, but in the end of the day, I started to think “I will not finish on time”. At that time, I tried to have faith, if I crochet non stop, I may be finish on time. (Of course I have lost faith, after I thought my life will always be like this, get abused physically & emotionally, but I try to believe once more). From 9 A.M to 4 A.M I crochet until I didn’t felt my hand, it was super sore and my forefinger skin was thickened. Long story short, I finished 13 on time, and ask for additional time.

After sending those hampers, the fear of being judged by the others came up. What if they don’t like it, what if the amigurumi is not good, because it was not my best. With the courage, I asked for feedback. When the reply notification pop up, I was so scared and sad when I looked at the chat preview, it written “the amigurumi….”. At that moment, I thought “see…. the amigurumi is not good.” Gathering up my courage for a moment, then opened the chat, it turned out “the amigurumi is super cute, all of my friend say they are so cute, they like it, do you really make it by yourself? The scented candle is so good too”

I cried. I don’t know why, every gratitude and acknowledgement bring me to tears until now. Maybe being used to underestimation, not appreciated for a long time, I feel worthless and trashy. She chooses to be kind, regardless the imperfection of the hampers, she chose to give positive feedback. For me, this is super valuable, makes me want to believe, to have faith, there are many nice people. I always think people want to harm me, i always stay alert n thinking about the worst things that might happen.

Toxic Parenting (The Beginning of Healing Journey)

This man, he is different from the world I used to be. This man, he forgives me when I got us lost to nowhere, he forgives me when I messed up, even when I pushed him away, He is still there. This man gives me another point of view when I chased my tail.

He is my greatest adventure. We make memories together. I still remember, he was super excited to snorkel, wakes up early morning, drives about 45 minutes to the snorkling spot. That was my first experience snorkling ever. That day, tides are high, boat felt like flying. After first session about 30 minutes, he felt nauseous & vomit. LOL He was super cute. High spirit with weak body.

For him, I m willing to do anything. I love him, yet when this love grows, my fear grow as well. I became anxious, possesive, controlling, and upset of a little things he did. I always feel dissatisfied. Everything he does suddenly not enough, I want more, I want him to show his love more and more to make me believe that he really loves me. I want him to always support me and be with me. When he was gone for a couple hours, I feel super anxious and will upset then get mad to him because of the sudden disappering. I remember he makes jokes about my craft (the craft I am proud of) and I feel agitated, furious, thinking that he is attacking me personally. He is supposed to be my supporter.

After all of that thinking, I started to feel discontented of him. At some point, I didn’t acknowledge him as my boyfie…. We are in toxic relationship. I constantly asking for breakup, inside of my heart, i really wish that he will always be with me and try to fix us. He did fix us twice then he gives up. He gave in. he said that he will respect my decision to break up. I am super heart broken.

But I think this is the best for us. I don’t want to drag him into darkness. I will start therapy session with psychologist, hoping that I could fix me, and maybe another time, we can be together again.

Realization:
These day, I try to reflect on the things I have done. They all leads to my unresolve childhood trauma. The more I realize the root of the problems, the more I hate my parents (I know this is not right).
1. My fear of being abandoned by the one I love because of the instability of my family. Everytime I make mistake, eventhough it is really small, He (the one who called father) treats me like an enemy & threatened me to throw me away.

2. He never trusted me. He defy all of my decision and despise all of my opinions. It makes me can’t trust the other, when they ask thing about my job, I will feel threaten, I feel like they are criticizing me.

What Child Wants: Toxic Parenting (I m Broken)

“You are a good person”, someone says to me. “You are kind, friendly, helpful, very cheerful, smart, confident, pretty”, they said.

Am I? If that’s the truth, why I can’t see the one you all are talking about……….
I am just one of hell kid, my laughter is a sin, my existance is a pain. No one wants me. I m broken. No one can save me, I can’t save me. I broke every relationship, romantic and friendship. When I messed up, they will ditch me, I am so scared being ditch, so I will just messed things up.

No one understand. No matter how hard I try to explain. I change my way to communicate, still…. no one understand. Maybe no one care enough. I m not important to anybody. No matter how much I try to be that good person, caring person, but nobody cares like I care. They are just not enough for me, I am not enough for me.

There is no such thing called love. My mom stay because she make a wrong decision (not my assumption, she told me that) She is now too old to get away, have no talent, have no bussiness, no money. I am just a hell kid that they feel obligated to, afraid of the shame feeling in front of the others, because of not taking good care of a kid. He even gets furious when my aunt tell him that I am a good kid & I m talented. He gets mad. Because of feeling shame that his abusive behaviours may get out, thinking that I m close with my aunt & I tell stories.
He cursed at me….. just because my aunt tell him I can do things.

What Child Wants: Toxic Parenting (The Second Time)

When the other said that “he was just making a mistake”. He is your father, he provide you with your needs. You have house to live in, you have foods, you should feel grateful. You should forget that night.

Ohh… How I wish I could forget that. I was just a kid. For foreigner, 16 yo is considered big enough to do things by their own. But it is different for chinesse kid, you are just like 5 yo. I had no friends, 16 years going to school and go straight home. Being obedient so that I don’t get trouble. My mom can’t help with my mental health too. She doesn’t know what to do and I was not aware of mental health yet. So there….
I live my life like in hell.

After that night, I cry myself to sleep every night, scared that it would happen again. I was too scared to lock my door, thinking what if it triggers him to get angrier. I never talked at home to anybody, just mind my own bussiness doing homework and watch tv. Everytime he came home, I feel uncomfortable, feeling scared if it will happen again, my heart pounded so hard. I always checked the house nook and cranny, worry if my siblings had done things that are not supposed to. Even when I was just breathing, it makes him angry. Everytime he came home, he always had things to be mad of, eventhough it wasn’t me that made mistake. You know what? It was not a mistake, it was just my siblings put things not in the right place only and I would get all the yelling. Everyday.

It was so hard and still hard until now. I even have many scenarios of killing him. Can you imagine how scary it was? a kid, having scenarios of killing parents. Nobody understand….
After living hell for about a year, I still remember vividly. That day, I was sitting doing my homework. Suddenly he was raging to my mom, then he came to me and grab my collar, shoved me to floor and hit me. It was really hard not to talk and cry, and bearing all of the fear by my own. It was already that hard………………….

“He was just making a mistake”, that’s what they said to me…………………


He could talk in a better manner.. with the other kid, but not with his own kid. I saw him patted my cousin, treat them like a human being.

Child POV:
1. Am I not their biological kid? Why am I being treated like that.
2. There was no such family. We are just blood-related person that live together but that is the only connection.
3. The breadwinner is the boss. He has the money then he has all of the power. The rest MUST obey him, he could do things arbitraly even abusing the others.
4. I am broken that if I don’t do things right, I am not deserve being loved.

What Child Wants: Child POV about Toxic Parenting (when it all began)

That night, I slept in my own room and suddenly woke up being dragged (my hair was being pulled) in the middle of stairs. I still remember the feeling of confusion, hurt, and scare. The person, who God sent us to, to protect us, to nurture, to whatever good things you can say until we are ready to deal with this world, his breath reek of alcohol. He cursed words that I even don’t know the meaning, unsatisfied with that, he beat me, slapped, kicked, and throw a heap of iron keys to my body.

At that time, I just freezed, without crying, accepting all of the beating. After a while, my saviour came. She pushed him away from me & caress me. (I was still not crying). Before that incident in the middle of that night, in the evening, he had beaten me too. All of that just because he thought that I was making “not happy” face towards him.

FYI, at that time, I was 16 y.o. For the first time in my life, I was beaten up because of my resting bitch face, which I realize I have that kind of face when I am not talking. For me, it is really unfair, while parents “job” is to tell us (in a good way) if something is inappropriate. I was old enough to understand, even if i was younger like 1 y.o, beating is never the way. The other thing that is not fair is, I have that face like for the entire of my life and without telling me, all of sudden just beat me like I’m an enemy. (I wish I die that day). That day changed me so much, the way I see a person, how I see myself, how I treat my love one. I suffer for entire life until now. He still doing it for 10 years. Yet, I have no guts to run away.

Child POV:
– Love has condition. When I make mistake or the parents thought that the kid is purposely rebelling, they will left me, beat me to death and leave me or throw me away.
– We, as a kid, can’t have our own opinion. Parent’s opinion is absolute even if we know it might be wrong (the things they decide), we should throw away our brain in order not to think and just act as an obedient kid.
– All of the things they give us are still theirs. Only with one flick or one mistake, they can take all of the things back. Kid is powerless. The breadwinner has all of the power and all around him should obey.

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