I can’t stop wondering if there is anything called “normal” relationship (both friendship and romantic)…. Like a guide or a standard of relationship, whether what I have is normal or common.
Maybe all of you will think, why is this so important?
Grew up in an unsafe environment psychologically and physically, I became overly sensitive, tend to be observant and overthinking. Small changes arouse anxieties.
That other night, I was sleeping and suddenly woke up, hearing screams and door slammed. Suddenly remember that mom said she had enough all of this, she wanted to live with grandma and grandpa in another city. Some other day, she would out of the blue said not to judge or hate her if one day she would left us (me and my brothers). I asked her to take me along, but got turndown by a sickening reason for instance no money to raise me.
Maybe this is the day, she will be gone and left me alone. I stayed up all night waiting to hear suitcase wheels rolling.
That kind of experiences has a huge effect on me…. on how I connect with the others. Anxiety always creeps in whenever people give a not good enough responses. Did I make a mistake? Am I not good enough? I must say yes to all favor they asked for.
Couldn’t help to feel on edge in every silent moment, will they think that I am not fun, will they left me out?
After that night, other things that had changed was the way I see money. Money equal to power. I forced myself to save money as much as I could, sold all of my comic books to earn extra cash. Back then, my love for books was not expressable, I shed tears when someone bought them. But my fear of being abandoned was bigger so I learned to give up on things I love.
Nowadays, I am still having abandonment issue, trying to push myself so hard to fit in and always thinking if silent is normal or if not chatting for a few days is normal or saying no is okay and will not compromise our relationship with somebody.
But… I decided to feel optimistic of my future that someday…..in the right time…..in the right place….with the right people… and with the right mindset, I will be in peace even if I make my own bounderies and I will be okay even if some people don’t like me.