At this moment, growing up means to be hurt, dissapointed, and to give up your values in order to be accepted in the society.
Lately, life feels so challenging. There was a time when me and my friends were going to hang out. One of them is my close friend, like I literally open up to her, trust her and for once I think she is my bestie. I’ve never felt this way towards anybody before. But I have no idea, is this because of my past experience with my family, that kind of feelings, when I am so close to somebody and build up my expectation subconciously. Feeling vulnerable because of this closeness leads to anxiety.
So that day, the four of us as usual were going to hang out and she intended to bring her BF, so I thought “oh why not I bring mine too?”. She instantly disapprove and said “no, you can’t because it will be overcrowded, besides, this is my car, so I can do whatever I want”. I felt super hurt and ashame. Not sure which one comes first, but I experienced uncomfortable feelings towards that kind of attitude.
Until now, that day, traumatized me and I am starting to walk on eggshell. Feels like when you have nothing, your opinion is worthless in fact you can’t have opinion at all. There were countless times that I have to give in to her way.
There were another time, I felt enthusiastic going to spa. I know she hate spa, so I asked another friend. This friend said that she had never been in spa before. My dearest bestie blurt out loud her opinion “good that you’ve never tried it before, such a wasting time activity”.
At that moment, I feel furious. Oh.. what now? I’m just trying to hang out with my new friend, what are you trying to do? We have different interest. So what makes you think yours better than mine? There are so many life values, for instance, our money value is unalike. She spend a lot for her bags and I think it is such a waste of money, but I’ve never blurted it out, because I understand our value is different. Yeah…. it is my expectation hurt me the most……………