What Child Wants: Child POV about Toxic Parenting (when it all began)

That night, I slept in my own room and suddenly woke up being dragged (my hair was being pulled) in the middle of stairs. I still remember the feeling of confusion, hurt, and scare. The person, who God sent us to, to protect us, to nurture, to whatever good things you can say until we are ready to deal with this world, his breath reek of alcohol. He cursed words that I even don’t know the meaning, unsatisfied with that, he beat me, slapped, kicked, and throw a heap of iron keys to my body.

At that time, I just freezed, without crying, accepting all of the beating. After a while, my saviour came. She pushed him away from me & caress me. (I was still not crying). Before that incident in the middle of that night, in the evening, he had beaten me too. All of that just because he thought that I was making “not happy” face towards him.

FYI, at that time, I was 16 y.o. For the first time in my life, I was beaten up because of my resting bitch face, which I realize I have that kind of face when I am not talking. For me, it is really unfair, while parents “job” is to tell us (in a good way) if something is inappropriate. I was old enough to understand, even if i was younger like 1 y.o, beating is never the way. The other thing that is not fair is, I have that face like for the entire of my life and without telling me, all of sudden just beat me like I’m an enemy. (I wish I die that day). That day changed me so much, the way I see a person, how I see myself, how I treat my love one. I suffer for entire life until now. He still doing it for 10 years. Yet, I have no guts to run away.

Child POV:
– Love has condition. When I make mistake or the parents thought that the kid is purposely rebelling, they will left me, beat me to death and leave me or throw me away.
– We, as a kid, can’t have our own opinion. Parent’s opinion is absolute even if we know it might be wrong (the things they decide), we should throw away our brain in order not to think and just act as an obedient kid.
– All of the things they give us are still theirs. Only with one flick or one mistake, they can take all of the things back. Kid is powerless. The breadwinner has all of the power and all around him should obey.

Published by whatchildwants

I have a childhood trauma that leads me here. Trying to write and put those all behind. Hoping that this could be my healing journal.

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