What Child Wants: Toxic Parenting (The Second Time)

When the other said that “he was just making a mistake”. He is your father, he provide you with your needs. You have house to live in, you have foods, you should feel grateful. You should forget that night.

Ohh… How I wish I could forget that. I was just a kid. For foreigner, 16 yo is considered big enough to do things by their own. But it is different for chinesse kid, you are just like 5 yo. I had no friends, 16 years going to school and go straight home. Being obedient so that I don’t get trouble. My mom can’t help with my mental health too. She doesn’t know what to do and I was not aware of mental health yet. So there….
I live my life like in hell.

After that night, I cry myself to sleep every night, scared that it would happen again. I was too scared to lock my door, thinking what if it triggers him to get angrier. I never talked at home to anybody, just mind my own bussiness doing homework and watch tv. Everytime he came home, I feel uncomfortable, feeling scared if it will happen again, my heart pounded so hard. I always checked the house nook and cranny, worry if my siblings had done things that are not supposed to. Even when I was just breathing, it makes him angry. Everytime he came home, he always had things to be mad of, eventhough it wasn’t me that made mistake. You know what? It was not a mistake, it was just my siblings put things not in the right place only and I would get all the yelling. Everyday.

It was so hard and still hard until now. I even have many scenarios of killing him. Can you imagine how scary it was? a kid, having scenarios of killing parents. Nobody understand….
After living hell for about a year, I still remember vividly. That day, I was sitting doing my homework. Suddenly he was raging to my mom, then he came to me and grab my collar, shoved me to floor and hit me. It was really hard not to talk and cry, and bearing all of the fear by my own. It was already that hard………………….

“He was just making a mistake”, that’s what they said to me…………………


He could talk in a better manner.. with the other kid, but not with his own kid. I saw him patted my cousin, treat them like a human being.

Child POV:
1. Am I not their biological kid? Why am I being treated like that.
2. There was no such family. We are just blood-related person that live together but that is the only connection.
3. The breadwinner is the boss. He has the money then he has all of the power. The rest MUST obey him, he could do things arbitraly even abusing the others.
4. I am broken that if I don’t do things right, I am not deserve being loved.

Published by whatchildwants

I have a childhood trauma that leads me here. Trying to write and put those all behind. Hoping that this could be my healing journal.

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