This man, he is different from the world I used to be. This man, he forgives me when I got us lost to nowhere, he forgives me when I messed up, even when I pushed him away, He is still there. This man gives me another point of view when I chased my tail.
He is my greatest adventure. We make memories together. I still remember, he was super excited to snorkel, wakes up early morning, drives about 45 minutes to the snorkling spot. That was my first experience snorkling ever. That day, tides are high, boat felt like flying. After first session about 30 minutes, he felt nauseous & vomit. LOL He was super cute. High spirit with weak body.
For him, I m willing to do anything. I love him, yet when this love grows, my fear grow as well. I became anxious, possesive, controlling, and upset of a little things he did. I always feel dissatisfied. Everything he does suddenly not enough, I want more, I want him to show his love more and more to make me believe that he really loves me. I want him to always support me and be with me. When he was gone for a couple hours, I feel super anxious and will upset then get mad to him because of the sudden disappering. I remember he makes jokes about my craft (the craft I am proud of) and I feel agitated, furious, thinking that he is attacking me personally. He is supposed to be my supporter.
After all of that thinking, I started to feel discontented of him. At some point, I didn’t acknowledge him as my boyfie…. We are in toxic relationship. I constantly asking for breakup, inside of my heart, i really wish that he will always be with me and try to fix us. He did fix us twice then he gives up. He gave in. he said that he will respect my decision to break up. I am super heart broken.
But I think this is the best for us. I don’t want to drag him into darkness. I will start therapy session with psychologist, hoping that I could fix me, and maybe another time, we can be together again.
These day, I try to reflect on the things I have done. They all leads to my unresolve childhood trauma. The more I realize the root of the problems, the more I hate my parents (I know this is not right).
1. My fear of being abandoned by the one I love because of the instability of my family. Everytime I make mistake, eventhough it is really small, He (the one who called father) treats me like an enemy & threatened me to throw me away.
2. He never trusted me. He defy all of my decision and despise all of my opinions. It makes me can’t trust the other, when they ask thing about my job, I will feel threaten, I feel like they are criticizing me.