Separation

I choose my own path, leaving all of the amenities I had. Someone says “Leaving needs courage”. Indeed, going away from familiarity to unfamiliarity. Have limited money, no job yet, no place to go. To find peace yet meeting uncertainty leads to anxiety. What if…. What if in the end, I don’t have enough money to live, what if my neighborhood is crime-prone. What will happen to me, will someone save me if something happen.

But here I am, still in one piece. I am starting to see there are so many good people in this world. All is good. Slowly, I accept their kindness. Although, the anxiety keep creeps in after accepting, “What if they r just trying to be polite while wishing me to refuse the help?” “What will they say if I accept their offer, am I pitiful” “Am I allowed to ask for help? Will they think I am nosy?”. But now, I am more mindful and I can label that kind of feeling. It is just anxiety. “We have to try to catch all of your negative feelings” my psychologist said. Catching and labeling (acknowledging) the negative feeling will help us to control to manage them. Negative feelings are good IF we can control it.

So here I am, living in uncertainty, I stayed in my friend’s apartment and suddenly being expelled. Feeling so stress, yet grateful that she let me stayed for a while, grateful that my ex still care, he drove me to places to find my future sanctuary. Also, in this uncertain moment, it turns out there are so many people that care for me.

Maybe it is too soon to get to conclusion, but for now, I feel free. Scared no more to breath, to talk, to express myself. No more walking on the eggshell, thinking if this is the calm before storm. No need to be on guard 24/7 if I will get abused or not.

Published by whatchildwants

I have a childhood trauma that leads me here. Trying to write and put those all behind. Hoping that this could be my healing journal.

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